I woke up this morning from a dream about my Mother.
That will get my sisters attention *lol* Why? Because we all have some fear about her, I don’t know specifically what theirs are but I sure know what mine are.
Let me start off with my dream first.. in it she (my mother) was with me and I knew my sisters were around also, but in other rooms of the house (my brother is in Australia, lucky sod, so he didn’t feature).
I’m looking kinda serious and sort of ruffled.. why?
I’ve been having a long old chat with my friend Craig today and I’ve told him he is now one of my mentors (lucky him – he ignored my statement but that doesn’t matter) and he said something to me which made me instantly stick my fingers in my hair and pull it – the photo above was the result.
(I took other photos of me sticking my tongue out too but I thought they weren’t effective enough.. ok I didn’t think I looked attractive enough in them so you don’t get to see them!).
What DID he say? I can hear you begging to know! Well he said this:
Standing in the shower washing myself I thought back to the photos I’d just been looking at.
Photographs of me.
And the thought popped in my head. Who am I?
I’ve got no idea where this is going.. I’m just going to write what comes up when I think of this question.
My first thoughts were that looking back I can see change towards something deep within me and then I see myself covering up again. Literally. I feel like I’m wearing a fat suit *lol*
So who am I REALLY? When I look at those photos I see someone old, dull, lifeless, grey. I see that when I look in the mirror at the moment too. I felt it sharply when Tommy looked at my passport the other day and was incredulous that the photo in it was taken only 5 years ago.. errm aren’t I meant to look better in real life than in a crappy passport photo that I hate!!!
I hate that I’m floundering. I find it tedious, to put it mildly and I was explaining to my friend, Bird, that I can’t start AGAIN can I. Can I? I mean, it’s laughable.. how many times I’ve done this?!! Well I’d laugh if it wasn’t so fewking crap.
I said to her, what’s the point in me getting going on the blog again. I start, I stop. I get fat. Where’s the inspiration in that? Why would anyone want to read it? Why would this time be different?
She then pointed out to me that she’d want to read it. Why? Because it’s real. My story isn’t a simple one of waking up one morning after reading lots of common sense and having a ta dah! moment that magically transformed me from a prize procrastinator to a healthy, exercise loving, glowing goddess of goodness.
But damn I love to read about those too hahahaha
Mine is a frequently excruciatingly, up and down, head in the sand, on top of the mountain journey to….
ummm, yes. I’m not sure on the to.
I just know I have this pain point (thankfully), that I get to and no matter how much crap I say to myself I have this urge to just start again anyway.
Start what?
Start being me.
Who am I?
Hi, my name is Sarah. I’m 40 years old and I’m on a journey to remember who I am. At the moment I am discovering how to feel emotions again and realise I won’t crumble from experiencing them or expressing them. And I need to remember I don’t have to eat them.
I am a thinker and a creator. I am a lover. I am a mother. I am a sister. I am a friend.
I am living my truth
I am me