Making change happen in my life. It’s something I realise I tend to build up to.. My sister often asks me “Sarah, how bad does the pain have to get before you change something?” More often than not, the answer is, ermmm… quite bad.

So, harking back to my previous post, the pain of feeling empty, a bit lost and in search of ‘feeling happy’ led me to ask myself what I really wanted. I was single, my kids were wrapped up in their own lives, so what now? Writing in my journal helped me pour everything whirling around in my head, out, and clarity came to me.

Travel.

Time on my own, feeling free of responsibility.

Be me (whatever that meant – I wasn’t totally sure but needed to find out)

So what about your kids Sarah?

I have two gorgeous kids – Chloe, 17 and Spencer, 14 and they really are wonderful (especially when they want something).  I was really nervous when I decided I couldn’t ignore this desire any more – it had turned into something that I had to do – and sat them down and said, ‘Hey guys, I want to go away for a few months, you’ll need to live with your Dad and his partner for a while and umm how do you feel about it?’

Now my kids are accustomed to me coming out with the odd barking mad notion from time to time but this was something different. They were used to their Dad being away as he’s in the Royal Navy but I had been there for them. Always.

I’d like to say that it was all a piece of pie (cake, biscuit, muffin – can you tell I’m on a detox fast at the moment?). My daughter promptly got up and walked out of the house and up the road and I followed but then thought it best to leave her alone for a while to mull things over, give her some space, which turned out to be the right thing to do, thank gawd. Spencer (aka Spud), who is a young man of few words and great depths, stayed put and asked me a couple of questions then said “I just want you to be happy Mum” and that he was ok with it.

Chloe, after panicking about the thought and then asking many questions and realising I really, REALLY, did want to do this was ok with it too. Did I say how lovely my kids are?

So with the ok from them, I then spoke to their Dad and his partner and they agreed straight away to have Chloe and Spud stay with them.. Result! Now there was no excuse to back out of the decision I’d made. I must admit I did smile a bit when Nick asked how best to communicate with Chloe and Spencer.. ermm.. like people? I guess it’s a bit daunting when you’re not used to having teenagers in your home full time, so I gave as many pearls of wisdom as I could think of – the best one being to ask them to make decisions (not tell them what to do), which you can then hold them to

What needed to happen to move to Portugal?

I confirmed the volunteer work placement I’d arranged through the website Workaway.com and arranged the date I’d arrive at the gorgeous juice fasting retreat Moinhos Velhos in the Algarve in Portugal – 4 September (weirdly, that’s my old wedding anniversary *lol*).

Shit. It was really happening. I had about five weeks to get myself sorted!

I read various blogs to help me part with my crap but my fave is def The Minimalists - check it out. I’m pretty good at parting with stuff (just ask my sisters!) and had been doing it steadily for a while but I still had books and clothes and omg, shoes, that  I was hanging on to for that perfect moment that hadn’t come around for a looooonnnnnngggg time.

My local library LOVED me, charity shops welcomed me (again and again and again), I sold anything I could on Amazon and eBay and Gumtree and recycled and gave things away wherever I could. Want my tat? I mean treasure  The flower ladies in Worthing had nothing on my ducking n diving, wheeling n dealing skills I tell ya!

So I reduced my physical items to four boxes that are sitting in storage at my sister’s house plus what fitted into my suitcase and shoulder bag.

IT FELT SOOOOooooOOOooo GOOD!

I gave notice on the house I was renting, rang up all the utilities and various Government departments to inform them of my change of circumstance.

No going back!

Gulp.

But what about…?

That was the biggest challenge of doing all this. The old guilt trip. Was I permanently scarring my children with this selfish decision? Will anything change by me going away? Will it be worth all the upset and challenges? What will happen when I return? How will I ever find a home let alone the money for rental deposit and rent in advance on my return with no job or income? When will I go back???

Despite all these questions and more and no answers.

I had to do it.

Live in the now.

It’s hard to explain and you may not understand unless you’ve experienced something similar, when this voice from deep within just keeps getting more and more insistent, louder and louder until I had to take action. To start really living my life.

My children are being cared for by their father and his partner who love them. They’ve not been abandoned, they’re in a family unit, which of course will be challenging for them to get used to. We stay in contact using phones via the wonderful app called Viber, plus email and of course Skype – if we can ever co-ordinate things! Teens have an active social life for sure, and I’m not awake past 9pm very often lol. And I love them. Very, very, very much and make sure I tell them regularly.

I’m far from being a perfect Mum but they seem to love me anyway and I am so, so, so very grateful for that and never take it for granted. And yes I do still struggle with myself about it but we’re all ok.

What goes on in Portugal?

I landed into sunshine. Lots of it. Portugal is gorgeous and I was blessed to experience a summer that extended right through October, only recently becoming cloudy and rainy and cool – how lucky am I?!  I volunteer at Moinhos Velhos (http://juicefasting.com), working five days a week, six hours a day in exchange for my bed and food doing anything from cleaning toilets, flower arranging, digging up carrots n stuff, weeding the organic garden, picking fruit, harvesting nuts, making juices for guests on the detox program or lending an ear or giving a hug.

Of course, it’s been discovered I’m ok with computers so I help out with things like that and am looking at helping them sort out social media and revamping their website onto a WordPress platform. Basically, anything I can turn my hand to.

Horrifyingly, I found out on arrival I’d have to cook a vegetarian meal for staff – a lunch and dinner once a week. Really. This scared the shit out of me *lol* luckily I’m a dab hand at soup n salad which covers lunch without too much mishap and I freak out over dinner less now.. but going from cooking for max 4 people to up to 14 was sooo stressful for me. My friends and family found it hilarious – gits!

Of course there are many tales I could tell here.. and maybe I shall reminisce and share some of the shenanigans

I’m sure gonna write about what pops up for me, now I’ve broken my silence.  I know it would have been great for me to blog about it all as it was happening but I just wanted some private time.. hug it close to me for a bit. Maybe it was fear of other peoples judgement. Maybe it was just to enjoy the moment. Maybe it was pure laziness *lol*  I’ve had a lot of insights though.

Yeah, I’ll take you for a journey into my world again.. and I hope you share some of yours with me.

With love, Sarah x