Trust and what it means to me.

I don’t know about you but 2012 is already one of massive healing and transformation for me.  I shall share something now that I learned about myself yesterday. Something about trust and love and who I really am.

Stuff keeps presenting itself to me, over and over and over again. In different ways, with different people but all evoke the same feelings within me – shouting at me “HEAL THIS”. There is obviously a common theme, so obvious in fact, that even I can’t miss it.

Or maybe I’m just getting better at looking within and asking myself – what is it in me that needs to be healed?

Are you reading this and thinking – errrr ok Sarah, wtf are you talking about? *lol*

Ok, basically, what I believe, is that everything I experience is ‘my story’ – the story of my life. The things I experience are manifested by me in order that I may learn and grow and remember Who I Really Am.

And the biggest, most painful ones are only that way as I’ve ignored the numerous little nudges and simply repeated the same old patterns and hoped for a different outcome. Nuts. As we all know, that is the definition of insanity!

So now I look at things as being in a state of love or unlove.

That was driven home to me by recently reading Deepak Chopra’s novel The Daughters of Joy. Brilliant message and why I had to go buy a copy which I’m sending to a friend and maybe it will get passed on by her too.

So when I am feeling any strong negative emotion I try and remember to ask myself, ‘Why is there unlove here? Why am I disconnected? What needs to be heard, understood, forgiven, loved?’

Often, I do not know, it is not clear. Or I think I know but I have not begun to scratch the surface and reveal the layers, wash them clean, so the wound can heal.

At times like this I simply aim to become aware. NOTICE my state of unlove. And start saying to myself on repeat, the words of Ho’oponopono. I say these words to ME, to my negative emotions, thoughts and feelings.

“I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”

I say this over and over, or part of it, silently to myself until I feel calm again. Or if I’m really stressed, I’ll say it out loud *lol*

I have no idea, why, but it helps me. I recommend you give it a go too ;o)

So anyway, back to my story of what happened to me this weekend… This is where I have to learn how to share my stuff while staying mindful in my references to other people. I have learned that is hurtful for them as their story is, of course, different to mine. So I must always speak my truth from my heart – not my hurt.

I’d recently had two exchanges of opinion with my ex husband and his fiancee via email. Talking about stuff via text always seems like a good idea in the moment – a way of expressing myself where I’ll be heard and understood as the other person can’t talk over the top of me.

Uh, wrong.

How you ‘hear’ things when you read (or write) something is NOT how the other person is going to ‘hear’ things when they read what you’ve sent them.

I’ve learned that if I have something that is important (for me) to say, I need to speak those words. Out loud. And preferably face to face, to avoid misunderstandings. For my feelings to be properly conveyed.

And to properly LISTEN as well as to be HEARD.

This is best done in person. And it’s best done when I have a clear intention of why I’m doing it and I share that with the others at the start of the conversation. Share what the outcome is that I want – especially if I’m trying to resolve something, as we can then remind each other of what we’re all trying to achieve when someone starts to shut down and it feels that the conversation is going to get nowhere.

Doing that reminds everyone of what they really want.

Reminds me to breathe, center, stay open and ask ‘how can we move forward from here?’

Asking questions to keep my heart open helps me. A lot.

So after these email exchanges I was feeling overwhelmingly sad. I kept crying. I was in a major state of unlove and disconnected and thinking miserable thoughts that were just keeping me there. Wallowing. And I don’t like being like that. It’s not who I really am.

So I asked myself, “What am I scared of?’ and I also looked deeper. I took responsibility for what was happening in my own story. Instead of saying, “Omg, why do they keep bringing EVERY conversation back to that moment last year?” I asked myself.. “What is it in me, from that moment last year, that needs to be healed. If it keeps being brought back to me again and again, then it’s something in me that needs to be acknowledged and healed – not them”.

I had to take responsibility.

I was scared to pick up the phone and just speak to my ex husband. I realise now how I hide behind the written word, as well as expose myself with it.

I’ll explore that another time though, as you must be wondering when this post is going to end *lol*

But although I had fear, I did it anyway. He answered, I spoke to him, he listened and he spoke to his fiancee and they offered to drive over and meet me yesterday evening.

I felt scared. But I could not live any more with my fears. With not being able to speak to them, have a normal conversation, with hurt and anger bubbling up in every exchange. It made me feel sick. And a whole host of negative emotions – unlove.

So I sat in the local pub with them, nursing my cranberry and soda, thankful for having both a straw and a twizzle stick to play with when I was feeling in need of a security blanket.

And we all spoke. And we all listened. And we unravelled our stories and our pain. And we all heard.

Yeah, it was touch and go at times *lol* but we reminded ourselves of why we there and what we wanted.

I am thankful and feel blessed that we were all able to do what we did yesterday. And I learned – it came to me when I woke at 4.30′ish this morning – I learned that the root of everything that happened was that I’d trusted and opened my heart but then felt it had been betrayed. Big time. Which is why I’d slammed it shut and reacted with such force last year.. and repeated that story like a stuck record.

It is not natural for who I really am to keep my heart covered up though.

No matter how much I am scared of being hurt. I hurt myself by not facing my fears and uncrossing my arms and opening them wide and sharing my heart.

If I am not giving love, I am not receiving it. Love is not flowing freely through me. I am missing out ;o)

And the only time I am really in pain is when I do not feel love. When I shut myself off from it. When I am in a state of unlove.

Love does not hurt. Unlove hurts.

Trust is a big thing for me, I keep experiencing this lesson and I’m slowly learning and becoming aware and changing my patterns, my story. That even when trust is broken and I shut down for a while, thinking I am protecting myself, I am not. I am just wounded and in order to heal, I have to open myself again. And again. And again…

How can I expect others to trust me, open their hearts to me, love me if I am not willing to just make myself vulnerable and do it myself. FIRST.

I have to stop testing people. Trying to measure how ‘safe’ it is for me to love another. My purpose is to love.

And maybe the more I do that, despite my fears. The more I will feel it, experience love. The more my story will change.

The more I will be, Who I Really Am.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What patterns do you notice in your life? What nudges are you ignoring? What unlove do you need to heal? x

Keep My Word

Keep my word to myself first and foremost, as well as to others.

How many times have I said I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of feeling like I’m in the same old place? Which is why I go silent on this blog so frequently – because I’m boring myself with the same old crap that comes out of my mouth, so you sure as hell must be too!

Something has to change!

That change for me has come in the form of being an action taker, not just a talker.

Not that I necessarily have to complete everything that I start, as, let’s face it, some things turn out to be a fricking bad idea and some things offer you opportunities further down the line that put a fork in the road and I want to be open to change and going with what FEELS right.

Get my head outta the way!!!

So last Summer is when I started stepping up and keeping my gob shut more and putting first one foot forward, then another, and another.

I caught up with my friend Bird today and she said to me, “Sarah, have you celebrated everything you achieved in 2011?” And I looked at her a bit blankly. Huh?

Immediately my mind started cataloguing all the things I’ve ever said over the years that I would do and never done, drowning out the good bits. But yes, there have actually been many, in quite a short space of time!

She reminded me that I took charge of my life, sold all my stuff, went travelling – on my own, changed my diet to that  of a balanced vegetarian and as a result, EFFORTLESSLY, reduced my weight from the horrifying 12 stone I reached at my pinnacle in September (not a great accomplishment), to what I am today.

Yep, here’s the video.. I warn you it contains scenes of wobbly bits, grey skin, wrinkles, horrendous bad hair and zero makeup!

Weight and Measurements

So today I weighed in at 10stone 4.5lb / 144.5lbs / 65.6kg with a body fat measurement of 36% according to my Tanita scales.

My measurements are:

Chest: 39″/99cm

Waist: 33″/84cm

Belly: 38.5″/98cm

Thigh at 4″: 20″/51cm

Thigh at 8″: 22.5″/57cm

Arm: 11.5″/29.5cm

So I logged into my YouTube account – I hadn’t been in it for months – and looked back through all my videos. At this journey I’ve been on. At the times I thought I looked fat and now I realise, I wasn’t really. I also noticed how my skin and my whole being glowed when I was eating LOTS of fresh fruit and veg.

I’m not going to repeat those years.

Enough.

I LIKE what I see when I look in the mirror. It’s not brave for me to get in a bikini and film myself, I feel ok in my skin, not ashamed any more.

I’m not doing videos again because I feel so disgusted with myself, that if I face the camera it will make me do something about it. No, I don’t feel that way any more.  I DID feel like that through those past two years but now what I weigh is no longer an issue for me.

I do however want to feel fit and healthy and VIBRANT.

I’m doing the videos to document THAT journey. I know from past experience, that people relate to me, they want me to keep sharing my story as sometimes what I say or do touches their life and they feel inspired, or compassion, or joy.

And hell, if I can do this – so can you!

You know I’m not anything special and you’ve seen me fail over and over again. You also see me hide for a bit. But you also see me come back. Again and again. Because this is something I HAVE to do.

Like I HAD to change my life this Summer.

It’s a calling deep inside me and I don’t know what’s going to happen, if anything. I just know I have to start again. And share what’s going on with me.

I know a lot of people find it hard to read what I share sometimes, especially my family. They ask me why I share such intimate details about my thoughts and feelings and experiences. It’s because I don’t think about it. I sit down and the words flow out of me and I just trust there is a reason for this.

My sharing is more than me.

I live my life now from a place of love. I feel loved and I share love. Even when I sometimes find this hard.. love and forgiveness and honesty always win in the end.

It feels good.

2012 feels like it’s going to be great.

What are your hopes, dreams and intentions for this year?

Sarah x

Yep, after three months in Portugal, I’m back in Blighty. Back in time to experience the full-on biting winds of the south coast of England in Winter that make my eyes stream in an instant.

Tears.

Tears of joy maybe? Hmmm. People keep asking me what it’s like to be back – is it any different? How am I feeling? What’s changed?

It was always my plan to come back in December. I did move the date slightly earlier as I felt the time was right to do so – that’s one thing I’ve definitely learned – listen to my Self.

It’s wonderful to see my kids, Chloe and Spencer, again. To see for myself that they’re ok, despite the opinions of two or three people who were concerned at my absence and emailed me about it. Yes, they’d missed me, yes they were very happy to see me again but they weren’t about to break into pieces or in desperate need for me to save them. All is fine.

So I guess that was just other peoples shit. Their fears. And because of my fears and my guilt (a pointless emotion btw), I’d allowed some of it to creep into me. A lesson learned and some good questions to ask myself in future -

Is this shit real? Where do I feel it? Who is it I REALLY need to talk to?

The big question now of course is – what next?

Well I am currently without a home, so staying in a spare bedroom temporarily. How lucky am I to have family and friends who want to help me?!

I have minimal savings, exacerbated by the fact that I loaned money (what is a considerable amount for me), to the ex boyfriend who managed his finances so badly he’s been unable to pay me back yet. Months later. And seems to have trouble putting me to the top of the priority list, although he has assured me this will change. Unfortunately words are his strong point and actions, less so but I gotta live in hope as we are all capable of change.

The great thing about my current situation though is that I have choices.

And I feel soooo positive that my life is exactly where it should be right now. I am safe, warm, have somewhere to sleep and food to eat – how lucky am I?!

I also have a lot of skills at my disposal and no excuses to stop me from taking action. I just have to choose where to focus my energy.

I’ve decided to keep RawRRR going, in fact I’m going to work on developing the site. It’s the one thing I keep coming back to over and over again and when I asked you about what its message should be. I got a very clear answer back that it should just continue to be me but with more information..

So I’m going to stop faffing about and do that.

I am also going to offer some of my services to others.. No matter how much I say I’m not doing web design stuff anymore, out pops advice to help others not only on how to get their message out online using WordPress, Facebook and other social media but I find myself asking ummm pertinent (some would say in-your-face-challenging) questions to help people look at what they REALLY want to do or be or achieve. I keep being told I’d make a great coach.

Who knows. One thing I do know is that I love, love, love to help light the spark in others, so maybe that will develop. Maybe not.

And I also know that all I have to do now is ask myself – What one action would move me forward today?

And then bloody well do it.

Every day.

Little steps, consistent action, focus on the positives, ask myself…. ‘How CAN I?’ instead of saying ‘I can’t because…’

All these things I’ve known. Some of these things I’ve not done. Yet.

Thankfully, now is all there is ;o)

Making change happen in my life. It’s something I realise I tend to build up to.. My sister often asks me “Sarah, how bad does the pain have to get before you change something?” More often than not, the answer is, ermmm… quite bad.

So, harking back to my previous post, the pain of feeling empty, a bit lost and in search of ‘feeling happy’ led me to ask myself what I really wanted. I was single, my kids were wrapped up in their own lives, so what now? Writing in my journal helped me pour everything whirling around in my head, out, and clarity came to me.

Travel.

Time on my own, feeling free of responsibility.

Be me (whatever that meant – I wasn’t totally sure but needed to find out)

So what about your kids Sarah?

I have two gorgeous kids – Chloe, 17 and Spencer, 14 and they really are wonderful (especially when they want something).  I was really nervous when I decided I couldn’t ignore this desire any more – it had turned into something that I had to do – and sat them down and said, ‘Hey guys, I want to go away for a few months, you’ll need to live with your Dad and his partner for a while and umm how do you feel about it?’

Now my kids are accustomed to me coming out with the odd barking mad notion from time to time but this was something different. They were used to their Dad being away as he’s in the Royal Navy but I had been there for them. Always.

I’d like to say that it was all a piece of pie (cake, biscuit, muffin – can you tell I’m on a detox fast at the moment?). My daughter promptly got up and walked out of the house and up the road and I followed but then thought it best to leave her alone for a while to mull things over, give her some space, which turned out to be the right thing to do, thank gawd. Spencer (aka Spud), who is a young man of few words and great depths, stayed put and asked me a couple of questions then said “I just want you to be happy Mum” and that he was ok with it.

Chloe, after panicking about the thought and then asking many questions and realising I really, REALLY, did want to do this was ok with it too. Did I say how lovely my kids are?

So with the ok from them, I then spoke to their Dad and his partner and they agreed straight away to have Chloe and Spud stay with them.. Result! Now there was no excuse to back out of the decision I’d made. I must admit I did smile a bit when Nick asked how best to communicate with Chloe and Spencer.. ermm.. like people? I guess it’s a bit daunting when you’re not used to having teenagers in your home full time, so I gave as many pearls of wisdom as I could think of – the best one being to ask them to make decisions (not tell them what to do), which you can then hold them to

What needed to happen to move to Portugal?

I confirmed the volunteer work placement I’d arranged through the website Workaway.com and arranged the date I’d arrive at the gorgeous juice fasting retreat Moinhos Velhos in the Algarve in Portugal – 4 September (weirdly, that’s my old wedding anniversary *lol*).

Shit. It was really happening. I had about five weeks to get myself sorted!

I read various blogs to help me part with my crap but my fave is def The Minimalists - check it out. I’m pretty good at parting with stuff (just ask my sisters!) and had been doing it steadily for a while but I still had books and clothes and omg, shoes, that  I was hanging on to for that perfect moment that hadn’t come around for a looooonnnnnngggg time.

My local library LOVED me, charity shops welcomed me (again and again and again), I sold anything I could on Amazon and eBay and Gumtree and recycled and gave things away wherever I could. Want my tat? I mean treasure  The flower ladies in Worthing had nothing on my ducking n diving, wheeling n dealing skills I tell ya!

So I reduced my physical items to four boxes that are sitting in storage at my sister’s house plus what fitted into my suitcase and shoulder bag.

IT FELT SOOOOooooOOOooo GOOD!

I gave notice on the house I was renting, rang up all the utilities and various Government departments to inform them of my change of circumstance.

No going back!

Gulp.

But what about…?

That was the biggest challenge of doing all this. The old guilt trip. Was I permanently scarring my children with this selfish decision? Will anything change by me going away? Will it be worth all the upset and challenges? What will happen when I return? How will I ever find a home let alone the money for rental deposit and rent in advance on my return with no job or income? When will I go back???

Despite all these questions and more and no answers.

I had to do it.

Live in the now.

It’s hard to explain and you may not understand unless you’ve experienced something similar, when this voice from deep within just keeps getting more and more insistent, louder and louder until I had to take action. To start really living my life.

My children are being cared for by their father and his partner who love them. They’ve not been abandoned, they’re in a family unit, which of course will be challenging for them to get used to. We stay in contact using phones via the wonderful app called Viber, plus email and of course Skype – if we can ever co-ordinate things! Teens have an active social life for sure, and I’m not awake past 9pm very often lol. And I love them. Very, very, very much and make sure I tell them regularly.

I’m far from being a perfect Mum but they seem to love me anyway and I am so, so, so very grateful for that and never take it for granted. And yes I do still struggle with myself about it but we’re all ok.

What goes on in Portugal?

I landed into sunshine. Lots of it. Portugal is gorgeous and I was blessed to experience a summer that extended right through October, only recently becoming cloudy and rainy and cool – how lucky am I?!  I volunteer at Moinhos Velhos (http://juicefasting.com), working five days a week, six hours a day in exchange for my bed and food doing anything from cleaning toilets, flower arranging, digging up carrots n stuff, weeding the organic garden, picking fruit, harvesting nuts, making juices for guests on the detox program or lending an ear or giving a hug.

Of course, it’s been discovered I’m ok with computers so I help out with things like that and am looking at helping them sort out social media and revamping their website onto a WordPress platform. Basically, anything I can turn my hand to.

Horrifyingly, I found out on arrival I’d have to cook a vegetarian meal for staff – a lunch and dinner once a week. Really. This scared the shit out of me *lol* luckily I’m a dab hand at soup n salad which covers lunch without too much mishap and I freak out over dinner less now.. but going from cooking for max 4 people to up to 14 was sooo stressful for me. My friends and family found it hilarious – gits!

Of course there are many tales I could tell here.. and maybe I shall reminisce and share some of the shenanigans

I’m sure gonna write about what pops up for me, now I’ve broken my silence.  I know it would have been great for me to blog about it all as it was happening but I just wanted some private time.. hug it close to me for a bit. Maybe it was fear of other peoples judgement. Maybe it was just to enjoy the moment. Maybe it was pure laziness *lol*  I’ve had a lot of insights though.

Yeah, I’ll take you for a journey into my world again.. and I hope you share some of yours with me.

With love, Sarah x

As you may know, I got divorced this year.

That’s a very old, long ago story and I’m not mentioning it to regurgitate anything, I just wanted to tell you that the piece of paper telling me I was finally, officially divorced, is what set into place a series of events that made me sit down and ask myself..

“so Sarah, what do you want?”

..which led to me answering myself that I wanted to take action – walk my talk – be the person I keep talking about wanting to be.

I want to be healthy, vital, full of energy and looking fewking sexy (or sexier, as my friends insist on positively reinforcing for me).

I’ve not managed to do that under my own steam in years, (yes, I DID manage once before). So what could I do differently that would help me now?

That was the key – stop the insanity of trying the same thing over and over again and hoping for a different result.

So…

I decided I wanted to go to a health retreat, surround myself with people wanting to and also BEING healthier, eating well – ie. lots of fresh fruit and veggies and probably doing yoga.

Immerse myself in a culture where that was the norm and it would be expected of me too.

Be educated by other people who were doing it all already.

Ok but I don’t have the money for that..
I have two children to care for…
I have a home I rent and responsibilities..
I don’t have a regular income..

But but but..

Then I asked myself – despite all these obstacles..

“How can I?”

and a mad idea started to hatch.

And guess where I am right now,  arriving just three months after first asking ‘how can I?’

I’m at Moinhos Velhos – http://juicefasting.com – in Portugal.

How the eff n jeff did I manage that and what have I been up to since first arriving here in September? Well.. that is all to come in my next post

I struggle. I gain clarity. Then my mind kicks in with a 100 different scenarios and a thousand more possibilities.  Add other people’s opinions into the mix to make the overwhelm complete and instead of unleashing the beast to the world, my little seed of divine inspiration gets buried again.

And the reason I know it’s divine inspiration and not just another ‘good idea’?

No matter how many times I cover it with shit, ignore it, stamp on it or belittle it, it keeps popping back up.

My divine inspiration is in fact, this blog. What you’re reading now. I know, it doesn’t look much and if you can ever be arsed to look through the archives you’ll see it’s a hotch potch of stuff. A meandering of my thoughts and feelings, some silly, some with some with great information, some inspirational and a few that are down right raw and personal.

The challenge I have though, is what I’ve been doing with RawRRR is not enough.

It’s inconsistent, it lacks direction, it has no clear focus or message… in fact what IS it?

At the moment it’s just a collection of my thoughts – whatever pops into my mind that I fancy writing about, whether it’s relationships, sex, eating healthily, a great new tune, some positive thinking, internet marketing, designing a life of my dreams…

I want to continue to share things that I find interesting but now I also want to get a bit more structured about it.  I want to be able to EXPLAIN to someone what RawRRR is and capture the interest of people who may be interested in my message… ermmm… whatever that is.

I also want to help.

Help you get something you want. What can I offer?

I also want to give something that is worth so much to you that maybe you’d be willing to pay for something some day – information or access to a membership area, or maybe I’ll offer a service, doing for you what I’ve done for me? Who knows, I sure as hell don’t at the moment.

I don’t like the raw food labels. I definitely don’t see myself as a raw foodie. I’m someone who’s sharing my journey on self discovery, facing my ‘challenges’, winning for a while, losing for a while, having another go… and another.. and another.. and oh well you get my drift *lol*

But what’s my fricking purpose?

Why the fuck am I here?

What is RawRRR all about and should I keep coming back to it or I should I just put the seed on the compost?

Then I notice I’m using the word ‘should’ and that reminds me I’m trying to figure all this out with my head. When I want to be going within my heart and asking there.

Bah!

That means I really am going to have to do all the things I tell other people about *lol* … meditate daily, eat a fairly high raw, wholefoods diet daily, drink 2 – 3 litres of water daily, and journal daily.

Daily.

…

I know it works… I’ve done it long enough before to know it works… so why bother stopping and then wishing for a shortcut when I know there isn’t one, I just have to do ‘the work’ until it feels natural and odd when I don’t do it.

Maybe I’ll just do that and continue to share what I’m up to on RawRRR.  Change the layout into more of a website and not just a blog so you can find information YOU want to read easily.  Give you a place to interact with me and other people who come here more easily.  And not worry about what RawRRR is. Just let it evolve and show me.

Just let go.

Simple.

What do you think?

I’ve been quiet. Mulling things over, looking into my heart instead of my head for direction in my life. Many things are changing and I will start writing about these here again..

In the meantime I’ve been devouring romance novels, some completely arse and formulaic and some, thankfully, with some deeper occasional insights.  I’d like to share a few with you that I’ve just read…

• You can always change your mind
• People are fundamentally good
• Guilt and self-doubt never helps anyone
• You need to love and respect yourself before turning your attention to anyone else

I’m down in Devon – ooh arrr! Staying with my lovely friend Maggie, her fab hubby, Paul, and the mad mutts – Otto and Finlay. A lot has been going on in my life over the past few weeks, which I have been digesting – together with an unhealthy amount of cake and stuff that is most definitely not raw but excellent at numbing emotions.

In between clotted cream I have squeezed in some gorgeous home grown veg and after a lot of chit chat these past few days and an amazing crystal healing treatment from Maggie today, I’ve got my writing mojo back and am clear on the path I want to take now. YAY!

I have also been journalling, which has helped me enormously over the past couple of months. Why have you been doing THAT I hear you ask? And is THAT why I’ve not been writing on here?

Umm.. writing in a journal (or diary if you prefer), was an idea my sister Nicola gave me. It helps get every swirling thought – good, bad, nutty, indifferent, out of my tiny head so I can view things with clarity and get some sleep. It has also helped me let go of stuff that’s not important, give thanks for stuff that is, develop ideas and help me review my Self and my feelings and actions with complete honesty. It also gave me a place to write, other than very publicly online which I know upsets people I care about sometimes.

This has meant I’ve been able to grow as a person.

And really tune into what my heart is trying to tell me instead of all the blah blah blah that my head keeps spouting off about.

As a result there are a lot of personal changes going on which I’m not really ready to talk about with you just yet but at some point I maybe will. It’s important stuff but the time is not right at the moment and if/when/how I do it, I want the lessons I’ve learned to be shared in a way that is sensitive and private enough to not cause any hurt.

I realise I can be like a bull in a china shop at times and have ended up being just as bad as the people I’ve been displeased with – lesson learned. Speak from the heart and not from the hurt.

Possibly one of the biggest tidbits that has come up for me that I’d like to leave you with though, is this…

The only thing you can control in life is you and your thoughts. Nothing and no-one else. So focus on what you DO want. Make yourself happy and watch as magic starts to happen in the most unexpected ways in and around you.

In order for something new to come in, I understand that making space has to be a priority. I was reminded of this with today’s quote from The Universe (see TUT.com)

‎”All that you need to have, all that you want, will be provided as if by magic. Once you know what you want and do something about it every day.”

I have a lot that I want to achieve and it feels overwhelming when I start to think about it all, so I know I need to chunk it down. I am also a firm believer that having a clear physical environment helps me have a clear mental and spiritual environment. Pretty essential if I want to figure out what little steps I need to be doing every day.

Because that is all I need to be doing – something little every day. Then I’ll get somewhere. Even if it feels I’m going nowhere as it isn’t super speedy or I don’t see ‘instant’ results.. the fact is that I WILL be moving forward.

Just thinking about doing things or reading about others doing things is not going to result in ME doing things. As that’s what I’ve been doing really, for the past ooh.. well, longer than I care to examine closely *cough*

So, today I am going to clear my space – as I’m sitting in what feels like a stagnant pool of shite.

Well, it’s not surprising really, as I cleared out my cupboards recently with the idea of selling and/or giving things away that I never use or look at. Trouble is, it’s still here (as you can see from the photo above). Cluttering up my fricking mind as well my floors… sofa.. table..  Even worse, the kids are starting to root through it all and move it all about the house again ARGH!

So I’m giving myself until Saturday to have it sorted. And I’m going to write down just one thing that I have to focus on and complete to move my business forward this week and not worry about all the other things I ‘should’ be doing until I’ve done one ffs. Then rinse and repeat.

Also, my business is not a business until it has something to sell. So at the moment it’s still an expensive hobby.

So enough of feeling I have to learn more and comparing myself to others.

My unique selling point is always going to be me and I have to trust that what I can deliver will always give people the feeling that they receive greater value than what they pay for and the right people will be attracted to me and thrilled with it. And tell others too.

I know what I want to do – I got that breakthrough a week or two ago.

Now I just need to be blinkered for a while – narrow my focus.

Make space.

Be me.

Do it.

I want a Ta Dah! moment after all – a whipping back of a great unveiling. It’s the six year old performer in me.

So I’m going to focus on how I’ll feel when that arrives – much more fun  ;o)

What is it you’ve been putting off but life keeps bringing you back to it – knocking harder until you take notice? Does making space in your cupboards have an effect elsewhere in your life? I’d love to hear – scroll down and tell me what changes you’ve experienced x

On the inside and the outside.

Today, I’m talking about the outside.

I have a fascination for looking at others – not only watching people as I’m sat drinking a bloody mary with Bird somewhere, but also looking at people in photographs, or through the eye of a lens on either my iPhone, webcam or Canon Ixus 97015.

I’m not a photographer – I’m a happy snapper and I’d like to thank Gary for encouraging me to do that, many moons ago. To withold the judgement I heap on myself and just start capturing the moments that capture my eye. For my own pleasure.

There is a voyeur in me for sure.

And it’s not just others I like to frame but also myself.

I have a love/hate thing going on with looking at myself. No matter how young/old I am or feel. And the funny thing is, how shocking I find the reality that the camera lens gives me.

I also like that I can keep snapping away in this new digital age until I find an angle or light that makes me smile and go YES! I would share this. And in fact I am getting increasing urges to share photos of not only myself  but also others, on my site.

Images that I think are beautiful or erotic or raw with emotion or a combination of all three.

You may have seen various bits of me  already throughout this site – well, definitely if you’ve ever watched my videos *lol* but I do have some vanity, so love it when I can capture myself in a still image and think… yeah, I want to look at this.

My friend Bird, has already taken the plunge and shared a whole lot of her beautiful self on her website Inspiritess.com and I think she may have uploaded images on to her Facebook page too. The lady who has photographed her has also offered to photograph me. Another friend, G, has offered too. But I’m hesitant.

It’s one thing to angle a camera myself and quite another to reveal myself in front of others. To have someone to really scrutinise every part of me, see all my imperfections in detail. To trust them to capture something that will make me fall in love with myself. Not loathe myself.

And what would it convey? Sensuality? Honesty? Earthiness? Mother? Desire? Revulsion? Fascination? Something else?

I find it hard enough to bare myself with my lover.

Yet there is a part of me that wants to just strip off and run around naked and say LOOK AT ME! *lol*

So maybe, I need to start capturing myself on film again. As I am right now. All rolls and folds, blemishes and saggy bits… but with eyes and cleavage to distract from those a bit when I’m feeling vulnerable. Maybe. Maybe I need to start looking for what I love about my body. And share that.

How powerful would that be?

Have you ever taken artistic, nude or erotic images of yourself and shared them? Can I see?